Verge of Tears

College sophomore Caroline Hite pulled my thin jacket around and zipped it up to my chin. I wasn’t quite prepared for the cold this Tennessee Fall was threatening. It was dark and I could not see the green circular lawn as I walked the diameter from the library to my dorm room. 

With a dreary attitude, I slumped up the steps to the third floor. With dramatic disappointment, I flopped down on my simple twin bed and gave a large exhale. 

“What’s the matter?” My roommate and best friend inquired. 

“I miss him!”  I was seriously on the verge of tears. 

“Who?” She asked with a tinge of girly excitement, yet knowing that I told her everything and she knew I did not even have a current crush. 

“One day I am going to love someone so much. One day it will hurt to be separated from him…I don’t know who he is…but I miss him now.”

Obviously, I am a hopeless romantic to the core. Randomly, that vivid memory crosses my mind and I smile. I still feel the cold breeze blow against my cheek and I remember that longing that I had in my heart that has now been filled.  James. James is that man that I was missing. 

And today that longing grabbed my beating heart in a whole new way. Bleeding and still pumping, the Holy Spirit grabbed my heart and tenderly yet firmly looked me square in the eyes and said, “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.”

Did God long for me?!  Like that!  In a perfect, complete way know that he had created me and I was yet to be born?  Does he look at me now, at every detail of my little life and know that he made me to love coffee, know that he made me to crave the words of CS Lewis and while I read “Surprised By Joy” it was an event created to be at the beginning of the world?  Did he long for the day when I would have my own daughter and cry tears of love and joy at the realization that this is just a glimpse of the love the Father has for me?

And I am humbled. How?  HOW!  How can GOD love me?!  Want me?!  Wait for me?!  And I realize, he made me for Him. He has a purpose for me!  Oh God!  Grab me!  Kicking and screaming, wholly addicted to myself, and lazy out of selfishness and begin your work in me.

My toes are wading in the water, but I want to dive in!  

And I walk the diameter of this world. It is dark with arrogance. My heart is not in the right place. But I miss someone. Someone I will be with for eternity. One day I will sing HOLY. HOLY. HOLY. And one day I will be complete and whole and all my questions will be answered and all my hurts will be undone. Dear Jesus, my heart aches for that day I will be with YOU!  And the Good News is that You want to be with me too!

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27 thoughts on “Verge of Tears

  1. My eyes lit up when I saw there was a post from you! It’s hard to explain how God could know us before being born but One Who knows the fall of every sparrow and the number of hairs on everybody’s heads would be the One to pull it off. The answer may be that He is not bound by time, and thus without denying free moral agency, can see ahead what our progenitors chose and did and then what we would choose and do.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Caroline, I can’t get over how you hook things together so effortlessly! Such beautiful images and emotions!

    This reminded me of Michael Buble’s “I Just Haven’t Met you Yet.” I remember the days in grad school when my arms would literally ache for lack of someone to hold. Now; it’s been 31 years with a great woman, my Julie!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love your comment. Love the connection you made to the song as his lyrics start dancing through my head. Hug your Julie for me. We’ve got ’em! Thank you Jesus for the gift of our lives! So thankful!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Beautiful as always, as God’s children always are. Your site somehow got dropped from my list, and now that I also am trying to write something, I don’t always notice when other things get lost. But now it’s found, and I’m glad. I’ll have to do some catching up. God Bless.

    Liked by 1 person

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