Screw Up and Move On

Roast and potatoes were simmering at a low temperature in the crockpot, a fire burning and sending a glow through the room set off the cold weather outside in a perfect comfort of a home that was my dream come true. The floors glow freshly mopped and the last load of laundry has been put away. Madison’s homework is completed to perfection and a little ahead of schedule. We slide into the newly refinished chairs with an afternoon snack and time to spare for a game of Chess. This is my perfection. More so than the winter ice that quickly melts with the change of season, I wish I could freeze and live in this moment forever and ever. An eight year old daughter that still needs me to style her hair in the morning, a husband that will walk in the door after a hard day of work at any moment, and the general good mood that I let determine way too much of my world. 

Literally, the only difference was laying down for a night’s rest. I slept hard and my dream wasn’t over when the alarm clock yelled at me, rudely interrupting my comfort.  As soon as I get started, I am running late. Madison is grumpy and complains about the uniform that she has to wear every day. I am grumpy that James has not brought me a coffee yet. My clothes are not complementing me like I want them to and my hair looks hideous. I stumble past the unmade bed to the kitchen with a sink full of dishes and an overflowing trash can. Where in the hell did this mess come from?!  My good mood is gone. 

To fault, I am an idealist and a perfectionist. My realist husband lives in this same morning as me and he sees (or doesn’t even see) the mess and interprets, “This needs to be cleaned up.”  I see:

I am a failure. My life is awful. I am a horrible wife and mom. Why can’t I wake up early and make eggs and bacon for my family?  Why does this world have to start so early?  It is my fault Madison is grumpy. Where is my coffee?  It is James’s fault. He must not love me. 

It take two cups of coffee for me to move on. But as this same scenario plays in my world almost EVERY SINGLE DAY, I am starting to learn that failures are what matter. Weird, huh?  Here is what I mean:

When I am grumpy, am I a yeller?  When Caroline doesn’t get her way, that determines if I am a selfish or giving person. When Madison’s homework is stressing us to the limit, am I patient?  When James tells me “no” to something I want to purchase, how do I take it?  It is the hard times, not the “my perfect world” times that determine who Caroline really is. 

How can I make a mistake and learn from it?  When I sin, how can I ask for forgiveness?  How can I give my life, all of my life, the good and the ugly to serve my family and others?

When my schedule is packed full, Lord, send me someone for me to help.  When my budget is tight, Lord, show me someone that has less than me that I can strengthen. Oh God, I want those in dire need right in my obvious path!  Because this is the meaning of giving.  That is service. When it hurts, when I am grumpy, when I lack energy, that is when it is not me because I can not do it. That will be God in me. 

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13 thoughts on “Screw Up and Move On

  1. Caroline, this is so beautifully said. God forgive me for obeying you only when I am rested and ready. I certainly want people to see Jesus, and not me! God bless you, dear one, as He has blessed me through you today.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You mean you don’t get up at the crack of dawn fixing eggs and bacon?? LOL!! Thank you for making me feel good, for I don’t do that either and I am right with you, NOT a morning person. You stated things so well, as usual. Thanks for the perspective my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Definitely God in this matter. It’s His style to send ‘trouble’ your way when you need help, just so you can look up to Him and acknowledge He is all that and much more. I just love Him and His ways (sometimes though…you know how it is).
    I love your prayer – its’ sincere.

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  4. I was watching this video today and it reminded me of this post re: the need to protect children, and how universal that can be. http://www.pbs.org/video/2365720444/?utm_source=ott&utm_medium=email&utm_term=%20&utm_content=%20&utm_campaign=frontline_2016 I still haven’t worked up the nerve to learn how to use a gun. I see them as killing machines, and that potential scares me. Given the world’s obsession with using them to kill though, it is something that is on my ‘to learn’ list. Glad you have the skill. Not sure I would ever feel comfortable carrying, unless the situation was as dire as this video. Crazy world we live in.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Great thoughts! When I took my safety class, the instructor pounded in us: do not be afraid of a gun. Respect it. Guns save lives in the right hands. Criminals will get a gun despite the laws, we need to protect ourselves and our families. I felt incredibly nervous when I first started shooting. Now, it has empowered me. I can do this. I can defend myself and my family. “You” (bad guy) will be fought and I am no longer afraid of “you.” It is natural to feel nervous, find the right instructor. Included in my class were several young moms and an elderly couple taking the class together. LOVE to see them educating themselves on defense.

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      • It’s definitely something women need to learn how to do. I applaud you for doing it. My city is very restrictive and I think we can only do rifle training here. I have no use for such large guns. I will probably have to travel at least one hour each way to find a good place to learn/practice. I guess my Biggest fear is some dumb teenager at the range who doesn’t know how to use one properly, but I hear they do take precautions and people can’t just shoot on their own.

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