The Pursued Decision

My mind engaged in Buddism, clearing all the chaos. I released myself of riches and the hamster wheel of comfort. When suffering plagued my days, I sought to release their power. There was no purpose in their pains. But they stalked me, humoring in their disturbance, and I wasted away my life seeking relief from my fleeting days. My days of calm were no peaceful offering for the meaning of my passing life. 

I seek Allah, days full of ritual prayer. His commands tell me to be good, to follow his decrees.  But when the hammer of judgement falls, I find that I fail so miserably. I can not live up to his scale. Fear is all I know. 

I live for this world, pursuing pleasures. One after another, I drink in their delight. When this one fades, so very quickly, I seek the next craving, surely it will fill me. Unexpected and hurt,  it leaves me even more empty. 

Who is this God that pursues me?  The Creator of hydrangea blossoms and painter of beach sunsets. “My child, that longing and ache in your heart, it is my whisper. It is me, come and see what I have prepared for you. Your weakness will be my strength, for I will make you whole.”  My every hearts desire leads me to his purpose. The tears of my hopeless nights, undone in his presence. Mercy to erase my hate, my selfishness, and my quick to anger ways. Grace that abounds what my soul longed for always. 

“Why?!  I have searched the gods, I have traveled far and wide and longed for just happiness. All the gods demand that I meet their standards and they ask for all of me.  But you tell me that I am offered the gift of you. Why would you far exceed what I ask?  And why would you possibly approach me?!”

And when all the gods dismiss me, when I find myself failing, the only one that matters searched and he found me. 

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26 thoughts on “The Pursued Decision

  1. We have a lot in common. I too have searched among the ancient ruins to find a god that would approve of me and fill me up. While I have never suffered with cancer, I have watched my family die. My parents and my own wife in 2009. I finally found Him, as you did. He courted me and nurtured my soul. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful gift.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Beautifully put. Reminds me of a passage in Julian of Norwich’s Revelation of Divine Love (a work of brilliance), in which she envisions our spiritual condition as being a servant sent on a mission, fallen into a deep swamp. Jesus then comes along with the lifeline. Our hope lies not in a God who taunts us with swimming lessons while we are in the process of drowning, but a God who will mount the rescue mission…

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