The toothbrush glides across my teeth in a back and forth motion as I stare into the mirror. I slow and then pause a minute just staring. I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like the routine. I just did it yesterday and the day before and the week before and the year before and it will just have to be done again tomorrow. It’s a small simple thing, it is just the monotony.
I just don’t feel like it. Again. I don’t want to brush my hair and pick out clothes and one more and one more and one more. I have a good day planned or a dreaded day planned, it is just the monotony. Deep sigh.
Ever so kind, my sweet new friends. But they talk and talk and I smile and I have that feeling again. That feeling again. I tried but here it is again. Again. They seem pretty nice and they seem pretty great or they seem kinda rude and kinda full of themselves, but it is just that same thing again. That dreaded feeling again.
My heart wants something else. To know people for years and years and to have been at this place forever, but it’s already been three years and I have that feeling and maybe I should start somewhere else? But starting over? It’s just the monotony. But here? Maybe here is not me. There is that feeling of here is not me.
It’s much more comfortable at home. I never cry or hurt or fear. In this dry and desert land, my soul is homesick. Because I do not belong here, I am just a visitor. My body was not made for this hurt. My mind was not created for this purpose. Oh Lord, I do not belong. This world was never meant to be my home. That feeling, I am not home. I do not belong here.