Confessions of a Process

I live my life in another world. I am constantly thinking, constantly writing, constantly contemplating. There is always always an idea spinning around in my head. I never see things as they are, I see them as they could be. I am a dreamer.

There is this girl in my head. She looks a lot like me but better. She has my same mannerisms, but she is nicer. She has more friends. Waaay more accomplishments. And way better legs. She is the girl I want to be. Each day I hope to take a step closer to her. I learn something, improve my hairdo, gain a friend. Check. Improvement on Caroline.

I am a work in process. I am not the same girl I used to be. I look back on some of the clothes I wore, the things I said, the mistakes I made, and I wonder who that girl is. She certainly is not the girl in the mirror that looks at me.

Each day I change, a slow process is occurring. Slowly, slowly, sometimes it takes a lot of time for me to see the change that has occurred. But sometimes, sometimes it hits me like an arrow to the heart. The word of God speaks right to my heart and convicts me of something in my life. Sometimes it is something that I have been struggling with for a while, sometimes years, and suddenly I see the resolution. Sometimes it is something I had given no thought and all of a sudden it is clear before me and there must be change. I will choose good. It may hurt but I will come out closer to the girl I want to be. OR I will chose laziness, apathy, convenience, or the path I know is not right for me. It never turns out well when I chose that path.

I have been hit with a change that must occur. My O.C.D mind complains, why could this have not occurred earlier?! It would have fit nicely into the box of a New Years Resolution! But God’s timing is not my own.

I would not consider myself a gossiper. Maybe just because of personality. I am more laid back and drama wears me out. But not to lighten the sin, I gossip. I get fed up with people and rather than dealing with it, I lighten my stress by gossiping. Or maybe it is not even an issue. Sometimes someone just looks funny or they do something stupid or I am surprised by someone’s actions and I want to be the one to share the news and gossip to someone about someone else. SHAME ON ME!

One too many times, I have learned the story behind the action and guilt sets in, as it should. One too many times, I have been the one to do something stupid and prayed someone wouldn’t gossip about me. One too many times, I have been gossiped about wrongly and I have been hurt.

Today this hit me like a lightening bolt and I see the ugliness of judging and spreading that judgement. So, here I am, mid January, making a resolution not to gossip any more! I am making a covenant that when I struggle with negative thoughts toward someone to pray for them. And I am taking one more step toward the girl I want to be.

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33 thoughts on “Confessions of a Process

  1. It’s great that you see gossiping partly for what it is: a stress-reducer. People who enjoin gossiping too much spread hate-mayonnaise all over themselves, and it is not very nice to do. In my case, God just had to reach down and lift me out of my situation through Him, and prescription drugs. I had to confront my SEVERE mental illness and battle through it. With the help of my girlfriend, Alice. Who helped me for 23 years. I often have told others, in therapy, “God stands behind the walls of my apartment, smiles, and throws ice cream at me from back there.” God delights in making miracles for us, he crafts them so magically in Heaven. And one of those miracles is the time we spend considering their very existence, and the promise of forever (in one of John Downland’s songs/lute pieces, the verses go, “Death, where is thy sting? Where is thy victory? Certainly, it is through his Divine love for all of us)

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    • beautiful words by john downland! and what an amazing testimony you have! crazy how there are things we (i know i did) try to hide and when we share them, it can be such a blessing to others?! thank you for sharing!

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  2. Excellent post! You are becoming a better person everyday with this attitude. Gossip is a trap that is so easy to fall into for both the one who gossips and the one that gossips about. Keep with the process and you will remember to gossip less and to care more.

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  3. Sometimes I cringe at the memory of who I used to be in an earlier time or of something I did. Physical discomfort from a memory! We always aspire to be better than we are, but, ultimately, it’s hopeless. The effort is our loving response to God’s sacrifice of Jesus, but the failure is…well, that’s why Jesus came, right? I wrote about this several months ago: “Memory Warehouse” from 5/22/14. Maybe you’ll find it useful.

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  4. Thank you, Caroline, for your courage in being humbly transparent. We had a pastor who once said that “we all want to be judged by our motives and our hearts, but we love to judge others by their actions or appearances”. I think that is really true for so many of us, and that we all struggle with gossip at some point in our lives. No one is better than anyone else. We are all learning. I too know the pain of being gossiped about and have heard the “rose” turn into a “thorny bush” within just three or four repeats. It can quickly become very nasty. It is never too late to make a new years resolution. I make them all year long myself. lol. Hang in there, my friend. You have a beautiful heart and it shows up well. πŸ™‚

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  5. Very well said. I am new to your blog, what a great first read! When the Holy Spirit shows us something we need to get out of our lives, I find it comforting to know that He will be there to help me the whole way through the process until I have victory. Buuuut, there is always another thing isn’t there? When we get to Heaven won’t it be glorious? We will finally be perfect. πŸ™‚

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  6. I just saw on my blog that you are a follower of mine (thank you kindly!), so I came to check out yours. Great minds think alike πŸ™‚ Like you, I am always contemplating things and finding new inspiration and ways to change and improve. We are all works in progress and yes, God has his own timing and I have just been shown one of His tender mercies. I am looking forward to reading more of your uplifting posts, Caroline.

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