Kneeling in my dark childhood bedroom by the light of my closet door, I began my passionate prayer, “Dear Jesus…” I tried my best to work up some tears as I began my sinner’s prayer of begging God to save me from my five year old sinful self.
Thanks to my parents, Jesus had always been there in our home. It was natural for me to talk to him, he had always been there.
I did my best to live my life for Jesus. I was a Little Goodie Two Shoes that had no sins under my name, mainly just because I did not have the opportunity, or because I was so good at being a Pharisee. But the sins were there, hidden in my heart.
Was I a “Christian?” Yes. I had given my life to God, but I was just a little baby in my faith.
“The Journey Begins,” my first post on Beautiful Life with Cancer tells a story that I never picked for myself. However, here is where I began to find myself. Here is where I looked at my life and saw sins that were more real and damaging than those I had prayed for as a little girl. Here, I had my true struggle with God. I cussed him and denied him and told him to get the hell away from me. I told him I didn’t need him and I didn’t want him and I could do this by myself. I fought and I struggled and I turned my back. And then I collapsed and I fell into his arms. He held me and he loved me. He told him he understood and he knew it was hard. And that was where we became best friends.
I found myself a little more. I shed my list of rules that I thought were making me a Christian. He is here in my heart. Boy is he ever! I have done and said things I never thought I would, it makes me laugh to think of how horrified the Old Caroline would be to see me today! But I have never doubted again.
It is ok to ask God those questions. This relationship that I have with him, it is real and it is more intimate than any other I have or know. There are good times and there are hard times, but our relationship grows and deepens. And he has never failed me! He has never left me! In my darkest hour, he has never said ” I told you so.” And he has never given me the judging eyes. He is the first to pick me up and give me a hug and clean my wounds and say “I forgive you Caroline. I love you so much.”
So, when did I become a Christian? “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.” Now I see, it has always been him and I believe he chose me and he saved me before the foundation of time. I believe he knew my name as he formed the starry sky and I believe he thought of me while he hung on the cross at Calvary.
I am not going into a debate of free will and/or predestination. I believe God is outrageously both. Yes! He is God! His word tells me of God saving me and his word tells me to give my life to him.
Again, I ask, When did I become a Christian? Always.
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